Let’s just start here: a BPD split isn’t cute. It’s not just “getting upset” or “being dramatic.” It’s a full-body emotional hijacking that makes me feel like I’m being abandoned, attacked, and erased – all at once – even if nothing actually happened.

Sometimes it starts with something small.
A delayed reply.
A change in tone.
A post that makes me think, “Oh. They’re done with me.”

My chest tightens. My brain gets loud. I go from calm to panicked in sixty seconds or less.

Here’s how it happened to me:

I saw him post a reel on his story.
It said: "When she says "lemme syd" (support your dreams) so I just chuckle and say "lemme eyp" (enjoy your presence) on some chill shi."

And immediately my stomach dropped.

To me, it read like: "I don't take her seriously. I'm just here to sleep with her."
That was my interpretation. That was how it hit me. I felt small, stupid, and disposable - instantly. 

So I brought it up. I said it made me feel a type of way.
And his response?
"Oh. I just thought it was funny." 

That was it. No reassurance. No acknowledgement of how it landed. And that's when the split kicked in.

My brain flipped the switch:
He doesn't care. You're just something to pass time with. He thinks your feelings are a joke. 

I went from being connected to completely disconnected – from him, from myself, from the logic I had a few minutes earlier. I felt the urge to shut down. I wanted to push him away before he could reject me outright.

I couldn't tell if I wanted to cry, block him, over-explain myself, or ghost him entirely. All at once.

That's what a split feels like.

A split feels like I'm watching a movie where everyone suddenly hates me and forgot to tell me why.
It feels like I'm being left - even when I'm not.
It feels like love is slipping through my fingers and I'm the one pushing it away, even as I scream for it to stay.

My thoughts start spiraling:

• “They’re pulling away.”
• “They’re over me.”
• “I’m too much.”
• “I ruin everything.”

Rationally, I might know none of that is true. But BPD doesn’t care about what’s rational – it cares about what feels real. And in that moment, the feeling is reality.

The worst part? I know I'm splitting when it's happening.
I watch myself emotionally spin out over something small - but I can't stop it.
I start to pull away to protect myself.
Or lash out to test how much someone cares.
Or shut down completely because it's safer not to feel anything at all.

It's like a light switch flips and suddenly I'm not safe in my own head.

By the time the split ends - whether it's minutes or hours later - I'm drained.
Emotionally hungover.
Embarrassed.
Scared I made it worse.
Sometimes I reach out. Sometimes I just disappear. Sometimes I pretend it didn't happen at all.

This is what a BPD split feels like from the inside.
It's chaotic and painful and confusing, even to me.
It's not about manipulation. It's about survival - in a brain wired to fear abandonment so deeply it sees danger in the smallest shift.

If you've ever felt like this, I see you.
If you've ever been on the receiving end of it, I hope this gives you some clarity.
It's not easy to live with - or to love through - but talking about it helps.

And that's what this space is for.