Let's just get this out of the way: I am not one of those people with a weekly therapy slot and colour-coded DBT binder.

I want to be. I really do.

But if I'm being honest? I go to therapy the way most people go to the dentist. Occasionally. Reluctantly. Usually when something feels like it's on fire.

Don't get me wrong - therapy has helped me. The few times I've pushed myself to go, it's been like untangling a knot I didn't even realize was cutting off my air. But the truth is, I've been wildly inconsistent with it. And I know I'm not the only one.

So Why Don't I Go Consistently? 

Honestly? A mix of things.

Some days it's money.
Some days it's "I'm fine now" delusion.
Other days it's shame. Because I haven't gone in a while and I feel like I have to "start over."

And sometimes, I'm scared to face myself. It's hard to explain, but when you live with BPD, your emotions already feel so loud. The thought of sitting in a room and digging even deeper into them? Not always appealing. Especially if I'm already spiraling.


The Times I Did Go... It Helped More Than I Wanted to Admit

I still remember one session where I talked about my fear of people getting bored of me. I expected my therapist to tell me I was overreacting, or that I needed to calm down.

Instead, she said, "That sounds exhausting. You've probably been carrying that fear for a long time."

And suddenly I was crying. Not because she fixed anything - but because she got it.

That one session didn't "heal me." But it made me feel less crazy. And that mattered.


Therapy Isn't Some Magical Cure - and That's Probably Why I Avoid it

I think part of me kept expecting therapy to "fix" me quickly. Like I'd go a few times, get some clarity, and suddenly stop overthinking everything and emotionally reacting like it's my full-time job.

Instead, it's been slow. Uncomfortable. Sometimes even boring. And BPD brains? We like instant results, or at least intense ones. So when therapy felt like slow progress, I started ghosting my therapist... which is very on-brand for me.

I'm trying to be better about that now. Not perfect. Just better.

I Still Struggle With the Same Patterns

I split on people. I get triggered by small changes. I read between lines that probably don't exist. I try to communicate but then feel like I'm being "too much." It's exhausting.

And I know therapy could help. It has helped. But showing up for something consistently? That's something I'm still learning to do.

Healing Doesn't Have to Be All or Nothing

So no, I don't go to therapy every week.
No, I haven't finished DBT.
No, I don't have it all together.

But I am self-aware. I'm working on things. I'm doing what I can with what I've got.

And maybe that counts for something.

If You're Like Me - Half in, Half Avoiding Therapy - Hi.

You're not broken. You're not failing. You're just tired, overwhelmed, and trying your best. That's allowed.

Some weeks you show up for yourself in big ways. Other weeks, surviving is the win.

And if you're thinking of going back to therapy but feel weird about the gap or the inconsistency or not having it all together? Same. Go anyway. Or don't. But know that you're not alone either way.

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