I’ve started keeping a binder of every DBT and CBT worksheet I’ve collected since starting therapy.

Page after page of skills, prompts, coping strategies ~ neat, hole-punched, and (soon to be) colour-coded.

It looks like I have my life together.

But in the actual moment?

When my brain decides to set itself on fire?

I cannot recall a single thing I’ve learned.

Not one skill.

Not one breathing exercise.

Not even a “count to 10”… I’m just acting, spiraling first and remembering the binder hours later, when the damage is already done.

It’s like my brain says,

“We have a 100-page manual for this exact situation.”

and then immediately tosses it in a locked filing cabinet marked Too Late.

So yeah, the binder is helpful.

But apparently only for post-crisis autopsies, not for preventing the crash in the first place.

Healing, for me and others with BPD, is just collecting the tools and hoping someday my brain grabs the right one before I set fire to the whole house.

-Em (borderlinewithwifi)