Intrusive Thought Wednesday

Today’s intrusive thought started before I even opened my eyes:

“You’ve already ruined everything.”

No context. No warning. Just vibes.

I don’t even know what I “ruined,” but my brain made it clear that I definitely did it. Probably yesterday. Or last week. Or maybe just by existing the way I do.

This is the kind of thought that sticks, the kind that loops in the background while I go about my day pretending I’m fine. But underneath it all, I’m running damage control for problems I made up in my head.

Because with BPD, it always comes back to the same fear:

“I’m too much.”

“I made things weird.”

“They’re over me.”

“They’re just being nice because they don’t want to deal with the fallout.”

And yeah, right behind those? The darker ones.

The self-harm thought’s.

The “you deserve to feel pain” thoughts.

The “this would all be quieter if you just disappeared” thoughts.

It’s heavy. It’s exhausting. I know these thoughts aren’t facts and are part of the BPD package, like an annoying subscription I never signed up for. But knowing that doesn’t always make them easier to sit with.

I don’t want to scare people with this, but I also don’t want to pretend this stuff doesn’t exist. Because it does. And a lot of us deal with it in silence. So this is me not being silent about it.

I don’t have a perfect way to end this. I didn’t have a breakthrough today. I didn’t journal the thoughts away or do something productive with the pain. All I really did was breathe through it. Distract myself. Stay here.

And honestly, that’s enough.

Our thoughts are not the truth. You’re not a burden. You’re not broken.

You’re just living with a brain that lies sometimes. And you’re doing your best. That counts for something.

-Em (borderlinewithwifi)